Top 10 Ten Coolest Thing Ever

Here is an official list of the Top Ten Coolest things ever, as laid down, by ME, Scurvonomy K. Beard on this, the day of our PirateKing, Apriluary XVIIIth.

1. Big Piles of Gold -- oh so shiney and oh so spendy

2. Giant Flamboyant Hats with feathery plumes and assorted dewdads so that everyone not wearing a giant hat knows that they should feel bad

3. Digital Video Discs -- I'm serious here people. And not the pirated kind either. Pirates do not endorse Pirated DVD's.

4. Shouting -- much better than writing your commands down on a post-it note and handing it off to a minion.

5. Facial hair -- instantly denotes whether or not someone is evil, a great savings in time and effort so you don't have to bother getting to know people.

6. The Letter Q -- I just thinq it's qool.

7. A Hot drink on a cold day -- hot chonklit, spiced pumpkin rum, Scalding Soup, FireSmoothies, ETC

8. A Cold drink on a hot day -- Cold chonklit, nonspice nonpumpkin non rum (water) frozen soup, Melted Iced Creams, ETC

9. Explosions/Dinosaurs -- I couldn't decide which I liked better, so I just lumped them together. I am not advocating exploding dinosaurs, that's just cruel (and not in a good way)

10. Me -- that goes without saying. Actually, I probably should have put me at no. 1. Or at least no. 2. Now people will think I'm humble, and I'm soooooo not. Should I go back and fix it?

Honorable mention -- sunglasses --increase anyones net coolity by 17%, but are not inherrantly cool all by their own selves..

Honorable mention #2 -- Samurais, because they have alot of honor and whatnot. This is not a ninja joke, I don't go in for that sort of thing.

Dishonorable mention -- Mr F. P. Mogglywether, for reasons of a private and personal nature. He knows what he did, and I see no use in embarrassing him further. At least not until he replies to my blackmail demands.

Mention that is neither honorable nor dishonorable -- Happy Birthday Granma!

YARG! #64

YARG! #59

Artisticiscity

Recently, we (not the imperical we, but all of us -- you know, the gang. But not in a gang style way. We're really more of a clump.) Were walking along the boardwalk (An actual one, next to the ocean with shops and rides and foods and such, not the one on monopoly. We wouldn't all fit on that.) and looking at all the various things, when we saw one of those artisty guys, that will draw your picture for a pittance. (I think his name was, Ray Friesen, or Roy Firestone, or something like that. It doesn't really matter.) We all thought it would be fun to see what we looked like in cartoon form, so here's what he produced:







What do you think? (The imperical you, as in 'anyone who happens to be reading this') Try and guess who each one is. (I'll give you a hint: I'm not the first, or the last one, if you read it right to left, left to right, top to bottom, or super-slantwise)

This whole thing made me think: Art's pretty cool. I'm thinking of paying to have a bust or something made of the captains head and giving it to him for chripsmix. The only one of us that's ever been immortalized in art is Lester, who worked for a number of years as a nude model:


















Anydangways, art is a good thing. There should be more of it, or at least less less art.

Heres some more painting's that Lester modeled for.

OneHundrediest Post, plus number word foods

Whoooithy Q. Hoooooo!

We've hit 100 posts. Do you know what that means? Absolutely nothing. It's just a big round number is all, and as such, exiting. Most of the things we celebrate in life are merely big round numbers, if you think about it. Except Leap Year, Feb. 29th. That's really more celebrating a big Odd number.

Numbers are weird. That's why I refuse to have anything to do with them. In school, I failed my maths classes with flying colors (an expression I've been using that's confusing. Hey, that rhymes! My verbiage is extremely tangential today. I don't even know what I'm talking about, which is understandable, as I haven't been listening to a single word I've said. What?)

Even in Pirate College, I wouldn't take any of the navigation or bookkeeping electives, for fear of numbers. Also sextants, those things give me the willies (which is a sentince streun with double entendres, with nary an inuendo in sight. What am I talking about?)

Bookkeeping is the only word I can think of that has 3 sets of double letters next to each other. See? b-O-O-K-K-E-E-P-P-ing. Sppookkeeyy.

Wait, some of the posts have been of YARG! Cartoons, which aren't really a post, more of a reusing of stuff we've allready done to look like we're doing more than we are, only more-so.
So, really, we've only had ... muhmuhmuh, lemme see... 45 ACTUAL posts. That's nothing to celebrate. Sure, it's almost 50, and at least a multiple of 5, but I'm just not feeling it.

Nevermind.
Nevermore
Edgar Allen Poe
Eggner Allen Von Shmoodledike
Eggner has the word EGG in it, even though he's Anti Egg, Pro Cheese
Cheese is made of milk
Milk is made of cows
Hamburgers are made of cows
Hamburgers are made of milk?

Sorry, I'm typing/acting a little loopy. I've had nothing to eat but ice cream for the past few days.

by my previous logic, or prevogic, Icecream is made of hamburgers.

You want 100 posts? Here's 100 posts!

post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post
post post post post post

Edgar Allen Poest.

Do you understand now?
I've written a bunch of words, so I'm gonna go now.

YARG! #54

Post Tusconage Winddownitude

We're back from our Pirate Convention in Arizona. We got rained on for most of the week, which is not generally what you expect from The Grand Canyon State. Now that we're home, we're all completely tired, (We had to pretend to be interested in talking to all of our customers at the show. That really takes it out of you.)

We're all lying around here at headquarters, totally not looking forward to unloading the Pirate Van. I don't know how we managed to fit everything in. We have a standard size fan, into which we crammed 4 1/2 people, their weeks worth of luggage, tons of copies of our books, and boxies of pirate cookies and souvenirs, as well as all of our booth display. While taking boxes out of the back here at home, we found Lester asleep in one of our dufflebags. Also, coming back, we somehow managed to have MORE stuff, such as the 3 new swords I bought, Scurvybeards Sombrero souvenir, A stuffed and mounted rattlesnake, and a bunch of tshirts and regridgerator magnets we bought because they were mispelled and on sale.

Speaking of Fridges, We saw a really cool fridge on the side of the road in tucson. It was new, only looked old, design wise. It was bright red, and really 50's art-deco coolness. It looked like Flash Gordon's Fridge. We would have stolen it, but as I said, we didn't have the room.

Highlights of the trip include:
The Scary Hotel Room of Doom with Police Cars Around It, Roving Gangs of Weirdo People, Lots of Dirt, A Hand Written Sign for the Lobby, Really Hard Beds, and Trains Going By All Night
The Coldest Jacuzzi of All Time (At Our Much Nicer Hotel Later On.)
A Pretty Neat Used Book Store with Old Back Issues Of Piracy Weekly and Everything.
The Best Chinese Food Shrimp We've Ever Had (and We were nowhere near china, or the sea. I know! Weird Huh?)
The Worst Mexican Food We've Ever Gad (and We were less than an hour drive from Mexico! For Shame.)
No Eyes Johnson Getting a Crick in His Neck and Not Shutting Up About It
Lester Getting Strip Searched by the Border Patrol
Me Trying to Get Some Work Done on My Novel and Not Doing So
Baked Goods
Getting Lost Far Too Often
Us Realizing When We Got Back That We Hadn't Watched TV for a Week Anda Half, and Not Noticing It

You may be wondering how we drove to Arizona, considering our van is not located within the Continental United States, nor the USA at all. My answer to this is: Shh.