NoEyes Johnsons Saga #1: Lousy Vikings

Missing for almost a month now (we were begining to worry) guess who just waltzed in the door? Well, actually, it was the avon lady. But before that, the Clodigal son returned -- our own Norbert 'NoEyes Johsnon' Johsnon. His clothes were ripped, he had quite the 5 o'clock shadow, his hair seems to have been died green, and his shoes were much more stylish than ussual. Where had he been? He actually can't remember. That's right. Amnesia. Not just for soap opera's anymore (NoEyes has boasts he's never used a bar of soap in his entire life). We figure the amnesia was caused by a blow to the head. NoEyes get's hit on the head quite frequently, what with his personality and all.

Here's the facts of the case:
While attending the San Frandiego Pirate Convention, NEJ wandered off into the city in search of a chinese restaurant we had been to stingy to have deliverd. He decided to take public transportation, and as such effectively vanished of the face of the earth (we don't think it was the public transportations fault. The signs were quite confusing, and NoEyes has the directional sense of a block of 34 year old cheese.)

As such, over the next couple days, each PirateWeBe will post his own theory on what happened to NoEyes, and you, the blog reading populace, can vote on your favorite, and establish it as the official version of events. We're still formulating our theories, so feel free to write in with your thoughtpinions TM and we may incorporate them into the narrative.

Here's what I think happened.

En route to the chinese food place, NoEyes asked for directions at the friendly neighborhood coffee shop. Only the coffee shop was not so friendly. As you all know, coffee shops are actually mangaed by the Viking Cartel, sworn enemies of all piratedom. Upon seeing NoEye's offical 'Union of Pirates, Buccineers and Swashbucklers' lapel pin, they doused him with scalding coffee, threw a bag over his head, and dragged him off into their secret dungeon. He fought his captors bravely and strongly, but was overwhelmed by sheer force of numbers. (there were 5, no, 12, no, 37 big viking store managers. With swords, and battle muffins.)

There, they forced him to toil in their underground coffee mines (I bet you didn't even know coffee was mine, didja?) but after a couple weeks of observing their mannerisms, guard shift changes, bathroom breaks and poker meetings, NoEyes was able to stage a rebellion (there were prolly some other people being held captive too. Like, the loveable pirate captain, and a guy with a moustache, and a feisty girl with a hat, and a set of twins, and a dog named Ruffles) and escape, where they stole the vikings boat, blew up their evil headquarters, had a swordfight with chainsaws and machine guys, the main bad guy fell off a big cliff, all the money fell onto the street where it was picked up by orphans, our hero disarmed the nuclear bomb, kissed the girl, drove real fast, and... hey. That was pretty good. I shoud sell that idea as a movie script. I bet no one's ever thought of a story like that before.

Oh yeah, than NoEyes found his way back here, and is sitting on my couch, and spilling soda all over the Nice Clean CARPET! Excuse me a moment.

Yargventures 5

Here's the latest installment:

ThanksForGiving

America is the only country in the world (as far as I know, I haven't actually checked) that celebrates Thanksgiving. Here in Pellmellia (The country we live in Doofus) We have a similar tradition called thanksforgiving, where in addition to eating a large bird (Ostrich actually), watching the Contrabanned Warehouse Thanksforgiving Day Parade (They only have half a float) and giving thanks for the good things in the year, you can also list all of your complaints, and get to punch one person free of guilt or being arrested. I thought it might be nice for each of us Pirates We Be to do so.

ScurvyBeard
Thanks: I'm thankful for Robert Louis Stevenson, John Cleese (best shouter I've ever met), Aluminum, the fact that Giant Hats have come back into fashion, and Gunpowder.

Complaints: The fact that RLS only wrote 1 1/2 piratey books, John Cleese won't answer any of my letters, Tin, The fact that I'm the only one who knows that Giant Hats are fashionable, and the 3 day waiting period.

Punch: Mr. F.P. Normanson of 34 Creginal Road, Wainscotting. He knows why.

YoHoJoseph
Thanks: The upcoming Piratelympics (should be incredibly fun, and will bring alot of tourist revenue) The works of Errol Flynn, That tshirt company that bought my idea (soon, I'll have a bunch of free tshirts!) and that swordfightey videogame I hope I'll get for christmas.

Complaints: The fact that I have to organize the entire Piratelympics (should be alot of work) the fact that they haven't done an Errol Flynn DVD boxset (at least a Region P box set. Darn DVD regions. I keep forgetting most of the movies I buy won't work on my DVD player) and the fact that I don't have my swordfightey videogame allready.

Punch: Mr. F.G. Normanson of 37 Creginal Road, Wainscotting. He knows why.


Peg Leg Pete
Thanks: The Pirates of the Carribbean movie franchise for making Pirates popular again, and inspiring me to live up to my pirate ancestry, The color bluish, salt, easily swipable spoons.

Complaints: The fact that I have to explain the reason why I have no Peg Leg yet am called Peg Leg Pete to everyone I introduce myself to, my little sister, The fact that they changed the law and I'll have to wait even longer to get my boating license, Onions

Punch: My little sister. I do this anyway. Then she gets me back when I'm not paying attention.

No Eyes Johnson
Thanks: None.
Complaints: Everything
Punch: Everyone
(as NE Johnson is stil AWOL, I filled in his to the best of my ability. --SB)

Lester

Thanks: Those new Rizt Bizt Crackers with the little cheesey bits on the inside, being awarded 'Most Parrotley' at the Contrabanned Warehouse ThanksForGiving Day half parade, the color blue, Televison, TV, watching things, Bugs, Crayons, Eiderdown, Hot Chocolate, My Computer is purple, The CF sculpture series and Polymer Clay Sculpting, the Book Yarg that was written about us used my good side, Leprochauns, The Great Pumpkin (he chose my punkin patch this year!) Cartoons, Comics, webcomics (the good ones) Leprochuans, Hamsters, The Spanish, Spoons, The Number 7, Los Angeles Freeway Department, Helicopters, Candy, Chocolate, Sugar, Skittles, My Red Cellphone, capital letters, Sandwiches, Paper, The Letter Q, Vegemite, Mayonaisse, Sound, Taste, Touch, Smell, Smellovision, Taste, Hair, Feathers, Feet, Oxygen, Tungstin, Vegemite, Albert Einstine, Calculators, Alligators, Dinosaurs, Dinosaur Toys, Regular Toys, Audio Books, DVD box sets, Hamsters, The Internet, Waffles, 1973, 1974, 1976, 1773, Doctor Whom, Avatar -- the Last Hairbender, Rocky and Bullwinkie, Sinefeld, Ponty Mython, Jeeves & Wooster, Fry & Wooster, House & Wooster, Monkk, Scrubbs, His Name is Earl, The Office (British and Americish), The Colber Report, Dr. Mungo Goes to Mungotown, The JungleBook, Pixar, Netflix, Bioflavinoids, Sunflower Seeds, Pieces of Eight, Pieces of Ate, Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, Jasper Fforde, Christopher Moore, Herge, Uderzo, Salad Dressing, Cheese, Johnny Depp, Peter Postelthwaite, Hugh Laurie, Tony Shaloub, That One Guy, David Tennant, Carl Johnson, Alan Rickman, Kiera Knightly, James Bond, Santa Claus, EasterHamster, The French, The Welsh, The Dutch, The Irish, Spoons, Cartoonists, Ray Friesen, Matt Groening, Scott Adams, Darby Connley, Walt Kelly, Walt Disney, Disney Land, Roald Dahl, Jay Ward, Sergio Aragonés, Walter Clamhard, Jeremy Guuk, Batton Lash, Bongo Comics, Don't Eat Any Bugs Productions, Aardman, Pete Michels, Aloha Joe, Woogils, Woogils Plus, Australia, Illegal Cheese, and Spoons

Complaints: Those new kinda Rizt Crackers get stuck in my craw, My Archnemesis Jacque Parrowte, None of my Armani Suits fit anymore, The letter K, Q, C and 4, The French, The Welsh, The Spangladorians, Bad Movie Sequels, Bad Movies, Molting.

Punch: William Randolf Hearst, Communism

Dirk Gently Play Review

We all saw a play last night, and thoroughly enjoyed it. It got us all in the theatery mood, and we've decied to put on our own play, here in Pellmellia. Expect to see our 'Parrots of Penzance' before Chripsmix.

Here is the review of the play we say. The play was 'Dirk', based on Douglas Adams 'Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency. The play's website is www.DirkUSA.com, And I urge everyone who'd be into that sort of thing to go see it.

The plot is far too complicated to summarize, suffice to say it is a 'Ghost-Time-Travel-Murder-Mystery-Romantic-Comedy'), so I urge you to either see the play, read the book, or read Ray Friesen's Official Graphic Novel Adaptaion, which doesn't exist yet, to get the back story.

We set out, one bold November morn, in search of entertainment, so interesting, that we would be, well, entertained. We settled on 'Dirk' not least because I had bought tickets several weeks earlier. It's about a 2 hour drive from my residences to NoHo (North Hollywood/ a spoof of Soho) where the play took place. I wish I had taken pictures, but I didn't, so I'll have to describe things to you.

Outside the theater, (That is to say, in the big glass windows so you couldn't actually touch them) was a computer displaying 3d rotating sofa graphics, as well a giant green actual sofa, that was jammed in the display case. They also had big signs saying 'DIRK', some reviews, and some of the pictures all ready seen on their website.

All of the following info, and most of the proceeding is spoilery, so beware.

Inside it was not so much a theater, as an art gallery, filled with art that was not my cup of tea (I prefer coffee, which I don't even like. Hot chocolate then.) They play itself took place up the stairs and in a loft, which at first filled me with dread, but turned out to be delightful. It was a very small theater, perhaps 50 to a hundred seats. About the size of a decent sized living room (IE my living room). There was a small bare stage, with a giant white background, on which the projected backgrounds that the characters interacted with, (opening windows, driving cars, etc) as well as some video clips (more on them as they occur.) On either side was a section of Dirk's office, which was raised several feet and you had to climb some stairs. Janice, Dirk's secretary, whenever she sat at her desk (on stage right, next to where I sat,) was ripping up a dictionary, and occasionally making paper airplanes and throwing them into the audience (I caught and kept one). The phone was on a little table that never moved, and was used as the phone in the apartment of all 5 people with phones.

I'll assume most if not all of you are familiar with the plot of 'Dirk Gently', so I'll mostly be talking about where it deviates and what they did differently. First off, the actors were wonderful. Reg was extremely funny (a lot of the comedy came from him), Richard was delightfully flustered, Dirk was not at all how I pictured him (thin, glasses, moustache, no hat, and very Noir) but exceedingly wonderful. The guy who played Michael (as well as detective Perkins, who delighted in stringing yellow caution tape everywhere) reminded me quite a bit of Alan Rickman, although perhaps an Alan Rickman that has fallen down a flight of stairs.)

All the actors on the pic I've enclosed were in the play, save for Gilks, who was played by a black gentleman whose name I didn't catch. He was completely bald, except for a tiny nubbin of ponytail, which was pretty cool looking. He did some silly kung fu moves on several occasions (when asking the maid if she would find his silly motions unusual, and when the ghost of gordon was knocking magazines around).

Dirk came into the play at the beginning as opposed to the middle, wandering around the cambridge dinner (perhaps that was him analyzing Richard under hypnosis?) using a TV remote to pause the actors, and explain who the characters were. Reg did some actual magic tricks on stage, which was quite fun. Reg wore a quite long scarf, but I'm not sure if this was meant to be a nod to Doctor Who or not. The electric monk was missing, for understandable reasons (even though he's one of my favorites, I can't imagine how they could have done the play with him.) This made Michael a double murderer, which I think worked alright. They mentioned the new editor of fathom often, calling him Albert Ross (in the book, I believe he is usually just called A.K. Ross) which when said out loud sounds just like 'albatross' (what flavor is it?).

The scene where Richard explains Scroédinger's cat was done on screen, ala a 50's educational film (very funny.) After the intermission, Dirk did a brief recap, reminding the audience of some pertinent facts. Then, they had the 'Recap for Americans' which was brilliant. A gruff voice said ' previously, on Dirk Gently" then there were a bunch of zooming titles, explosions, nearly naked people, and finally Dirk, Richard and Michael all in sombreros and moustaches pointing guns at each other. Hysterical! Prolly one of the funniest moments in the whole play.

When Dirk hypnotizes Richard, instead of having him jump in the canal, he has him burst into a big song and dance number (beside the seaside) and all the characters came on stage for the chorus line. Then, Dirk snaps Richard out of it, and shows him the video of Richard under hypnosis, and Dirk and secretary were teaching him the lines, and choreographing his dance (very funny. Gave the secretary some good bits)

The cut the scene toward the end where Dirk visits Coleridge, instead having Reg just say that he did it. The alien ghost is explaining how he tried to influence people, and Coleridge "when he was very relaxed..." (big laughs). In our universe, Kublai Khan is allready just the 54 (or whatever) verses, Reg saying he went back and edited it. The ghost makes a stunned face, and Reg says 'it seems I'm the only one who read your Biography. Oh, it was quite good! (after just saying how horrible it was)

Once they decide to help the alien ghost, and Dirk figures out the alien tricked them, instead of somehow saving the day by talking to coleridge, Dirk has Reg do some complicatedly explained time thing, trapping the ghost, they fight and Dirk knocks him out. The sofa getting stuck (which they did show) was not satisfactorily explained, in my opinion. Richard, disbelieving the whole play, finally gets into it and says for Reg to "Reverse the polarity of the feedback loop of the flux capacitor to power the TARDIS (or some time travel cliches like that) and Reg replies 'It's only a bloody abacus" (big laughs)

Play ends with the roderick the cat never being lost, and Dirk mentions a butterfly (in such a way we realize he means the butterfly flapping it's wings create a hurricane, and the butterfly killed in the past changes the future (ala 'Sound of Thunder" (the book or Simpsons Halloween episode, not the movie))

Afterwards, they had a Q&A (I think a high school drama group had paid extra for that, and I wasn't supposed to be there. Still, no one yelled at me to leave, and I did ask some good questions.) The idea to do this play was the actor who play's Dirk's idea, and he is a big DNA fan. I didn't get a chance to talk to him, but I bet he would be completely willing to do a fourm chat.) Someone should try to get ahold of him.

I got my playbook signed by a few of the actors, and learned that if I had come the night before I could have met one of the guys who worked with DNA to write this adaptation, (some of the new bits were in fact Douglas' idea, who himself admitted that the ending was confusing.)

So, great actors, great script (a few things here and there I could nitpick, the ending is still confusing, and deleting the Electric Monk caused a few minor plot gaps) but all in all, I thought it was wonderful. 9 thumbs up.

Yargventues ep. 4

Is last weeks strip a half week late, or is next week's strip half a week early?

I broke my muscles.

So, while staying at my Aunt & Nuncle's house this weekend, as discussed in the previous BlogOverboard, I went kayaking. See, they have this lake. Well, they don't have it, it's just there. You know, like outside. So anyway, I went kayaking in one of their handy kayaks. It was great! I really enjoyed it, what with the paddling and having your butt be underwater but not wet, and the fishes trying to dump you overboard. The lake's really big, with secret rivers and caves and stuff. I brought sandwiches with me, and taunted ducks. I had to itch my leg the whole day, but wasn't being able to for fear of tipping over. This takes place just the other day, and it's Novembuary, so that lake was cooooolld. Finally, when the sun was going down, I decided to stop. The tide or whatever had gone down, so I couldn't reach the dock. After about an hour of trying to get out and stay dry, I just had to swim for it. Beside the cold and the sharp rocks and the water spiders and those ducks from before, and the fact that I didn't have any clothes to change into, it was great.

Then, I went to bed, sleepy sleepy sleepy, and now --

I broke all of my kayaking muscles. Arms -- Useless. Back --OWWW! Shoulders, armpits, stomache -- I don't even wanna talk about it. I'm not even typing this right now, I'm dictating to Lester (A shoutout to all those Lester fans out there! Whooo! Go Lester! He's the Lesteriest!)

Watch what happens if I try and type: whdtyf dgghn r (Screams of Pain)

So, I've decided to never excercise, or engange in any strenuous activity, ever again.

YES, I know I have no peg leg!

My name is PegLeg Pete. My sister's name is PegLeg Jamie. Well, that's our legal nickname anyway (not many people have a legal nickname. Our real last name is peglegovitch. Not much difference). It's hard, coming up with a good explanation for the 'PegLeg' . Sure, I could give them the real reason, but it's long, and not very intersting, and makes them give me a look. Our ancestor was a famous pirate, the original Peg Leg Pete, he stated, he all of his descendants were to have the nickname, because, apparently, that's the first clue in the great quest to find his long lost treasure. Nobody knows what it's supposed to be. We think he was just a big practical joker. I ussually just tell people it's a typo. My sister Jamie has a really good explanation for why she doesn't have a peg leg, but she won't tell me what it is.

She can be very frustrating. She's always doing things better than me. Like today, we're spending the weekend at our Aunt & Nuncles house this weekend. They're house has a lake. Well, they don't own the lake, but it's right there next to them. We went fishing. As you'd expect, Jamie caught way more fish then me, and everybody rubbed it in for the rest of the day. She took a bunch of pictures of her and her fish, got her picture in the paper, send out a nationwide press release, and was interviewed in Little-Pirate-Girls-Catching-Fish-Monthly Magazine, which frankly sounds made up.

Aunt and Nuncles house is pretty cool. They've got a lot of pirate memorabelia, like eskimo shoes on the wall. We had to take a plane to get here. We have to sleep on the floor. It's hailing. They have a little dogling, and she looks winky. Winky isn't really a word, but if you say her, you'd know exactly what I mean. All of our meals have had potatoes in them.

Pirettes

Okay. We've had no one interesting enough write in wanting to take NoEyes Johnsons spot as a Pirate We Be. So, we're gonna have to find NoEyes. In the meantime, to share in his duties, whatever they are, I'm calling up the reserves. Yes, the Pirettes We Be! (dramatic music plays while we montage on the indviduals:

We have:
Amber, YoHo Joseph's girl friend, who also has a cool leather jacket.
Granny ScurvyBeard, guardian of the secret Pirate Cookies recipé.
Peg Leg Jamie: Pete's sister, who knows quite a bit about piracy, but whom we won't let be a member of the crew, basically, because she'd be really good at it.
Jacque Parrot: Lester's arch-nemisis, who's swarthy good-looks have wooed many a pigeon.
And finally, last and also least, NoEyes Johnson's brother, NoEars Johnson.











Together, we will have many wacky mis-adventures.

smelly shoes to fill

Well, that's it. We bailed Pete out of the hotel dungeon, fished Lester out of the pool and but him in the dryer in the laundry room. We've bid adeiu to our pirately friends here at the show, had a few farewell swordfights (Joe won his fencing seminar by the way. He managed to injure everyone else. A new record!), we rode the escalators like a bajillion times, and we argued with the concierge about how many movies we watched in the room (we can't have watched PotC2DMC twenty-three times, could we?).

Now, our bags are packed, we're at the airport ready to head home, and

WAITAMINIT!

NoEyes Johnson is still missing!

You know what that means.

We'll be holding auditions to find his replacement. If you would like to become a member of the PiratesWeBe, send in your headshot and resumé. You must (wink wink) be fully licensed with the UPBS (Union of Pirates, Buccineers and Swashbucklers. Duh.) and have attended a disreputible Piracy School, or equivalent community college.

Send your entries to me, ScurvyBeard@Yahoo.com, and all interesting entries will be posted here, on our blog. Bonus points for creativity.

Kleptospoonia

Well, here were are, day 2 of the pirates covention in beautiful San Frandiego (well, it's not that beautiful, it's pretty much the same as where we come from)

Here's what happened so far:

Last night, after finally prying Lester from the karaoke bar, we hit the town. Seriously, we kept bonking into everything. It was just the 4 of us, as NoEyes Johnson had gone exploring earlier in the day. We went out to a great chinese food place, that had this aquarium thing with a fish in it, who kept swimming up to one corner as if to check on something. Everything was delicious, except the soup (is it just me, or does everyone hate wonton soup? I try to like it, but I don't like to be too wanton.) After that, we saw some award winning indie film I had never heard of, at a famous theater I didn't recognize, for a certain amount of time. After that, I don't really remember. I woke up with one of my toes missing.

YoHo Joe is scouring the convention for a new pair of pirate sunglasses. He won't tell us how he broke his, or what the difference is between pirate sun glasses and regular ones. PegLeg Pete got escorted to the hotel dungeon by security, after having been found when 400 spoons were found missing from the hotel kitchen (guess I shouldn't have posted that he'd been stealing them yesterday.) Lester's in the hotel pool. We haven't heard from NoEyes Johsnon. We figure, he probably tried to take the bus somewhere. We warned him. NoEyes has BSAD (BusScheduleApprehensionDisorder) which makes him want to take public transportation, but also means he can't figure out the confusing matrix of lines, schedules, routes, numbers and colors that make up the modern bus schedule. Also, he's pretty belligerent, so even if he asks for help he prolly won't get any. Who knows where he is? We know from experience that you have to wait 48 hours before reporting a missing person.

In the mean time, YoHo Joe was asked to host the swordfighting seminar, as the previous instructor had to go to the emergency room when a spoon got stuck in his eye. We try to prevent Joe from teaching, as he thrashes the students above the acceptable levels. Oh well, they're just students.

You wouldn't beleive how many people on the streets try to sell you treasure maps. You know how in LA, there's ussually all those people selling maps to movie stars homes? Well, at pirate conventions, its worse. I've ended up getting my own tray of maps to sell, so that the other sellers won't bug me. I made over $40! I wonder how many of the other map sellers are only doing it to prevent the other map sellers from talking to them?

As punishment for his kleptospoonia, the hotel security are making peg leg pete walk the plank. He's blindfolded, so they've told him he's walking into the ocean, and it's filled with sharks, alligators, and fork fish (who can sense people with spoon preferences, spoons being their natural enemy) even though really they're just gonna shove him in the swimming pool. I hope I have film in my camera.

Pirate Convention day 1 / Yargventure 3

Woog!

Sorry it's taken a few days for a new post -- We're in San Frandiego -- attending the World Pirates Convention. We've got out Pirate Laptop Computer with us (our piBook), but it was a bit of a challenge to get internet, then the proper programs we were missing, and all sorts of stuff. Here's this week's cartoon, now we're gonna go enjoy the rest of the convention. It's a great place to meet up with old buddies. YoHo Joe's attending a swashbuckling seminar later (hoping to pick up contacts for his upcoming PirateLympics), We're getting all sorts of swag from the vendors, mostly free pens. PegLeg Pete's gotten a bunch of free spoons. Well, not free, he is kinda stealing them, but the hotel restaurant has a bunch of em, and is being snippy and too expensive, so we figure it's not too morally wrong. Plus, we're Pirates. NoEye's Johnson wandered off to explore the city, which has given us a buncha time to relax. Lester will only leave the hotel pool to go to the hotel karaoke lounge. He only knows like 2 songs, so they'll only let him stay on stage an hour. As todays cartoon will illumate, I'm trying to find a good new hat. None of these ones here are big enough.